Tsunami of Doubt

There is this feeling I get every now and again. It tends to come when I’m approaching – or actively hitting my head against – a brick wall. Obviously not an actual brick wall. The only way to describe it is as a giant wave of doubt. A Tsunami of Doubt.

I’m going to get poetic, so please bear with me for a moment. The feeling begins with the wave pulling back, there’ll be a problem that initially seems simply solvable. Then I’ll realise the problem is bigger than I thought – the wave is rising. This tends to be the point where I’m in a spreadsheet, I’ll do some final calculations, look at the sheet (yup there are no errors) and that’s when the wave towers over me.

“Oh my goodness – is this thing even possible?” – cue giant wave washing over me.

Me

Cue the giant wave

This is when the doubt comes in a crushing way. I’ve given it some thought and this doubt isn’t quite Imposter Sydrome, but it’s not far off. I think Imposter Sydnrome is more about doubting your intelligence and your competency. This is more about doubting whether I’m the ‘type’ of person that can do this. I think, am I making life too hard? If my parents were oil barons and had thousands of pounds to throw at me now and again, these calculations wouldn’t be doing my head in.

Waves wash and wash, I gasp for air, I feel sad.

Maybe I should have listened to those who said I shouldn’t start this while I have two small children, I should wait till they’re older. If I was born in and around manufacturing connections, this would be simpler. The margins on clothing are so bad, why did this have to be the idea I decided to have and fall in love with? Waves wash and wash, I gasp for air, I feel sad.

It’s OK to feel doubt

I’ve been doing a lot of personal development work lately and speaking a lot to a good friend of mine who’s a Clinical Psyhchologist, as well as another friend of mine with a voice I really value. Let me tell you, a good What’sApp Group Chat can be an incredible source strength (no doubt a toxic one can take you out – haha). I’ve written about the need for support and it comes in so many different forms. I digress. My Psychologist friend has been talking to us a lot about the fact that it’s OK to feel these emotions and increasingly I don’t hide from them, I accept them. I feel them and try to process them.

The challenge is not to drown, to not stay in the ‘sunken place’

Happiness – or confidence – are not permanant states. The challenge is to not drown, to not stay in the ‘sunken place.’ I’m not going to say I have a perfect formula for getting out. The waves that come, are different sizes. I’ll tell you how I got out of my latest one…

Riding the wave

So how did I ride the latest wave? To be honest I’m surprised I didn’t have a little cry – I think I was too tired to cry. I did however talk to my husband. My husband is just… that would require a whole other post becasuse I clearly married someone who inspires my hugely, with his abilities and his approach to life. He put it plainly. If the spreadsheet looked simple, if the answers were obvious, everyone would be doing this. He said, there is a way and I will find it. I might make mistakes along the way, but I will find it. That may people have been in my position before and some made it through.

In that moment I believed I could be one of the ones that made it through. Also I prayed. I went back to The Source. There’s a verse in the Bible I love and which is the verse of this entire journey.

Unless the Lord builds the house, the labourers labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

Psalm 127:1

I simply went back to God and said, I don’t want to labour in vain. There are a million other positive things I could be spending my energy on. Please don’t let my efforts be in vain. After that I got on with things, I felt better. I felt like this most recent wave doesn’t need to submerge me. A few days later I was listening to a discussion abount inventory and MOQs (because I lead a wild life these days – haha) and someone recommended I read Shoe Dog by Phil Knight – the founder and CEO of Nike. I don’t really read business books because I find the majority of them, bleurgh. However I thought, I’ll read this because if he had some similar challenges, he clearly found a way through. I think he’s done alright. I might write a review once I’m done.

I’ll leave you with this quote about why you can’t techincally surf on a real Tsunami.

On a tsunami, there’s no face, so there’s nothing for a surfboard to grip. And remember, the water isn’t clean, but filled with everything dredged up from the sea floor and the land the wave runs over—garbage, parking meters, pieces of buildings, dead animals. This is not what you want to be caught paddling around in.

https://hilo.hawaii.edu/natural-hazards/tsunamis/surfing.php

I’m definitely surfing on my Tsuamis of Doubt. I don’t want to be underneath that wave, I want to be on top of it. The only other option is drowning.